Dear Yana:
I’ll get right to it. No beating around the bush. I am a Junior at an HBCU down South and I’m in an abusive relationship. It all started about six months ago when Juantavious, my boyfriend (Not his real name), began being very aggressive with me. He would pull my hair vigorously, yell obscenities at me and bruise me so badly that I would have to cover it up the next day. Afterwards, he would always say he was sorry and plead with me not to trigger his anger which, from what he tells me, stems from his childhood. It’s like when he’s not angry he’s really a nice guy but I’m always walking on eggshells when I’m around him because I never know what’s going to trigger his rage. Recently, we went to a party, and I must admit I drank a little too much. Juantavious carried me back to my dorm room and put me in the bed. While I was sleeping, he went through my phone and saw I had been texting some male classmates about some late assignments that I hadn’t done. Yana it was absolutely nothing and he went ballistic. I was awakened to severe blows to my face which resulted in two black eyes. My family and friends tell me to get a restraining order against him, but I do love him. They don’t see the kind and gentle side that I do. Yana HELP ME! What should I do? Should I stand by my man and work through his anger issues, or should I drop him like a bad habit?
Bruised and Battered
Dear Bruised and Battered:
First, if he is physically abusing you then he is showing you that he doesn’t care about you or love you. Just because he gets angry about something does not give him the right to harm you. When you love someone, you want to protect them and not see them hurt. He is not protecting you and he is causing your pain. You need to look in the mirror and love yourself and see what he is doing is wrong. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Secondly, if you love him tell him to go get some help. Just because he experienced things in his childhood does not mean he should lash out at you. He needs to talk to someone other than you. He should get a therapist and talk through all of his problems.
Lastly, you need to listen to your friends and family. Let him go and get a restraining order on him. If he has hurt you before then he will continue to do that. No matter how many times he says he’s sorry, he will never stop abusing you. You said it yourself that you are walking on eggshells around him and that is not okay. You should never be scared to talk to someone you love. Leave him alone and focus on yourself. He is not showing you love. I understand you love him, but you need to love yourself first.
Always,
Yana
